Imagination #13 ~The Infinite loop called KARMA~ Part II

Before going through this part, make sure you know what's in her heart as well.
Link to the first part: http://styzie.blogspot.in/2015/03/imagination-13-infinite-loop-called.html

This kills me but I have to do it. The pain is so strong that it is unable for me to stand still. There isn’t any escape; I was waiting for this day. Why is it so difficult for me to recall the fact I did this?

Have I? No! I can’t love her. She is the reason my brother died. She didn’t kill him but it was her who was responsible for the suicide he committed.

Last few days I forgot what I was here for. I kissed her forehead and hugged her every day without fail. That was definitely not part of the plan. I didn’t regret any of that but at night I knew my heart was drifting. Why does it feel as though I cannot decide? It shouldn’t be happening. I have to, have to leave her. That is the reason I came into her life; to make her realize what rejection felt like.

She is shattered. Her eyes are swollen and her face sweaty. Her cheeks are occupied by the salty water from her eyes. They aren’t pink anymore. I had always wanted to have this sight in front of me. At this moment, it feels so wrong. My heart is crying out and wants me to hug her like yesterday, wipe those tears and kiss all over her round face. How can it even think of such a thing? Five years and it forgot that she was the reason my brother left. What about his soul which was supposed to be at peace? Am I not killing him again by having feelings for his murderer?

‘What about our baby?’ something from inside asked me. Was it her fault that your brother fell in love with her mother? Was it her fault that her mother loves you? And is it her fault that she is your daughter; that she is a part of you?

I fell on my knees unable to bear all that was going through my head. I cannot denude the love for my daughter. The love for her mother somewhere had a hint of artificial behavior. But her… it was all pure. The thought of her in pain makes me shiver. Each and every cell inside my body is trying to pierce me apart for having bought tears in her eyes. Will she ever forgive me after knowing all that I have done to her mother? Will she ever consider me as her dad again? Will she even consider me?

So many questions and I don’t have answer for even one of these. No! I cannot do this. I Love my wife and I cannot live without our daughter either. Let me go to my brother and tell him that I accomplished the mission he trusted me upon.

All these thoughts occupied his mind. He walked to the table, took the knife and sliced his wrist in seconds. His wife ran to him and tried stopping the pool of blood that he lay in. The frock his daughter wore had stains of her origin all over it. He lifted his right hand and placed it over his wife’s cheek who was soon going to be a widow, ‘I have to leave for hell. I deserve this.’ He said and fainted. She cried harder and shouted, “No, no, no, no! Please no!”

Audio version: www.soundcloud.com/thaseen-ganguli/the-infinite-loop-called-karma-part-ii

Link to the third part:  http://styzie.blogspot.in/2016/04/imagination-13-infinite-loop-called.html

 
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Imagination #15 ~The Call~

“… and then she broke her heel and tumbled over. Her expression was hilarious.” Simran said all at once and burst out laughing. We all joined her. “Guys guys, ssshhh… Is anybody playing a song?” said another friend. I tried controlling my laugh to figure out the melody. The tune seemed familiar. “I have heard that somewhere. Oh gosh! That’s my phone.” I said as I rushed through the class and the others roared with laughter.

It wasn’t difficult searching the cell as thankfully, I left it on the general mode unlike every day. I had put it in the tiny pocket attached to the side of my slang bag. As I took it out and looked at the screen, my senses stopped working suddenly. It was written ‘IronMan’ with a picture of the metal frame staring at me with affinity.

I stroked my eyes hard and peeped in again. I felt as though I was dreaming. No I wasn’t, the device was still ringing. I slid the pointer to right and held it over to my ear. Nothing came from the other side for the first five seconds. I checked the screen, the call was still on. “H…h…hello?” I said. “Hello.” It was him. Oh my god! He has actually called me; my head was clustered with thoughts. My lips went numb. “Hello?” he said again. I repeated after him, clearly this time, less stammering. “Is this TG speaking on the other side?” He knows my name?  I am so going to faint after this. “Yea” I said trying to hide the nervousness off my voice. “This is Fahri Abdullah. You are the blogger called StyZie right?” He said with a mixed potion of professionalism and depth in his voice. Goodness! He even knows about my blog? I’m definitely in an alien world. “Yeah” I said with a tone of curiosity. “You have been selected by the committee to be a part of the editing team for the Annual College Magazine.” I came back into the reality, “What? Magazine?” “Yes. You write all of those posts right?” He inquired. “Yeah… I mean no, not all. Some of them are written by my friend Mesha. I edit it all at the end.” “Okay. There’s a meeting at the auditorium in ten minutes. Be there if you’re interested. You can bring in your friend as well.” “Oh, Okay. I’ll be there.”

He ends the call but the phone is still stuck to my ear. I talked to Fahri. Fahri-The guy of my dreams! He was my latest crush and the fact that he had my number and we had a two-minute conversation was difficult to digest. Simran had already entered the class. “What happened? Why do you look so stunned?” She questioned. My mouth was open and my facial expression had a hint of excitement and anxiety. “Guess who just called? Make the wackiest guess.” I said. “Don’t tell me! Are you serious??” She knew it already. Anyone would know that by the way I was having my hands up in the air and eyes popping out. I gave her a continuous nod with those flashed eyes and wide mouth. “No! He called? Why? What did he say” She flooded the room with questions. “They selected me for the editing team along with Mesha. I need to be at the auditorium in ten minutes. I got to go…” I ran half completing the sentence, searching for Mesha.

I went up to the auditorium and found the door to be half open. I could no longer hold the feverishness. My palms began sweating much more than normal. Mesha opened the door as I was so nervous that I couldn’t even move an inch. It was completely empty. Forget about the sight of a human being; that dusty space wouldn’t even have the attention of the birds. I was bewildered from what I saw. Mesha turned towards me. She had a ‘is this a prank?’ look on her chubby face. I gave her an ‘I am innocent’ look in return. I don’t know how much did she believe. All she did was drag me back to the class.

I unzipped my bag and took my phone. Unlocking it, I checked the call log. I had goose bumps when I saw no call recorded. How was this possible? My brain was completely out of the situation. How can he not call me and talk that long? I called up a mutual friend in hope of having all this sorted. All he did was complicate it further. According to him, Fahri wasn’t even in the college.

I sat on the benches in the lawn. There were students enjoying the recess in their own unique way. I closed my eyes trying to make sense out of everything. I looked at the sky and the similar colored arched roof. There was a thin line separating it from the sky making it difficult to tell if it was the dome or the sky. I unlocked my phone again. There wasn’t a single clue which could solve the case. A ringtone which everyone heard, his name on the phone’s screen, the voice which made way through my ear, the empty auditorium along with my friend’s unusual confirmation. All of this made me feel like a psycho who imagined her dreams to be true. How could I talk to him on the phone without the call? How?  

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Straight from the Diary #2

‘I do not know where to start from.’ The same line to begin with- Life, has turned out what I didn’t think of… No, it’s not bad, but I cannot term it as the best either. Well, it isn’t even balanced.

Even while writing this, I’m drifting a lot. Texting, gossips, etc., they don’t want to go out. Nor do I want to let it out. But, I don’t want it to be the only thing. I solve their problems. Have started giving advices like a pro and I’m not aware of what must be the first step towards the new old me.

I’m not lost; it’s just that it’s not the same. When I look back, somewhere I feel, I would have done things in a different way. Sooner do I realize that those are the reasons for me to be this way; and I love the way it is.

The transformation from the shy, unaware chubby little girl to practical, cheerful grown up introvert (would be lady) seems like a fairytale. Not only do I seem to unlock the mystery of my existence, but I do help others find theirs.

People often consider me as a person, who should accept what they try to impose. And then, they call me arrogant, egoistic and proud. I don’t think it’s a sickness to ‘Love yourself’. If you think so, then you’re the one who is retarded.

Yes, I am this. I can’t pretend. Call me whatever you want to. You know what, I fucking don’t care.

Okay… I know the topic drifted a lot from ‘a talk with me’ to a ‘middle finger at your face’. Truly speaking, this is when it’s right. This is when it actually comes out naturally without much examination. And this is how life has become… It comes in through and paints me with whatever color it likes. And I, like a sincere blank paper accept each font with utmost grace – The thing I love about myself.

Audio version: https://soundcloud.com/thaseen-ganguli/straight-from-the-diary-2

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Imagination #14 ~A new ray of hope~

Bright strokes of the morning hit his face. It gleamed in freshness. He was still asleep but his eyeballs sort of moved. He would wake up if the beams continue for more, I thought. I kneeled over, not completely touching though and bought back the calmness again. His face was still radiating.

His lips pleaded me to touch them. I moved closer and then refrained. I looked up and smiled. It was much softer than a smile; I blushed actually. I turned to him again and was determined to kiss this time. My heart started beating faster with a steady pace as I moved closer in slow motion. I shifted my hand and surrounded him so as to get a support. Our lips were only inches apart. I moved closer, minimizing the distance by half.

He opened his eyes and I crossed all over him to reach my phone which was at the other side of the bed. I grabbed it and went back to my position. “I sense some planning. “ He said with a voice intoxicating the air. I held my breath before replying. “What planning?” I said, acting dumb even though I knew what he meant. “Task incomplete ha?” He said turning to my side. I blushed and buried my face inside the blanket. He didn’t lift the cover, instead he came in. “Were you not? “He asked again; his voice deeper this time. I turned to him and kissed his cheek. He smiled from the corner of his lips and kissed my forehead.

“It’s already nine. You need to get going.” The mistress said knocking the door hard. I took off the blanket and replied, “Yeah, Okay. “ He was still looking at me. Deeply in thought, figuring out something, he held my face in his hands, “I don’t want to. I want to be this way, forever, with you.” I always remember the first time we met, whenever he says things like these. He was completely heartbroken and drunk when he slammed into this place. His girlfriend ditched him for another guy and he wanted to do the same. He chose me in spite of the other girls being exceedingly appealing and tempting. Every time I ask him the reason, he says his heart didn’t allow him to look at anyone else except me, that night. Even though it sounds filmy, I feel like believing it.

For the first time in my life, since I was seventeen, I spent the night with a man without having sex. We talked the entire night. He told his story over and over again and I confronted him. We drank and smoked along. Despite being this high, it was all under control. I still cannot sum up what happened that night. What was it that connected us so well? I bonded with him like with no one else before.

After that night, he came back regularly. I tell him all that happened throughout the day and he does the same. I know his deepest secrets and he has ripped me apart without touching me. We started off as strangers, preceded as friends and ended up loving each other unboundedly.

He got up and started packing his stuff. He brings his book everyday and teaches me new things. You see, they don’t educate you, when all they want from you, is your body. I was completely lost until I met him. He became the purpose of my life; the reason of my existence. Before him, I knew some fucked up words which I had to mug up so that I could seduce the customer. But now, I had a complete set of a dignified language inside my head.  

I sat upright on the bed. “Will you come back tonight?” I asked.

“No.” He said with a straight face. “No?” I repeated. “I’ll come in the evening and take you away.” He said and smiled. “Are you serious? What about the money?”

“I’ve arranged everything. You don’t need to worry. We’ll be at home tonight.” He said cheerfully. I smiled along with tears gushing out. “My poor baby, why do you need to cry all the time ha? That tank never dries out!” He said with a smirk. “I’m not crying.” I said wiping the dirt from my face. He came close and gave me a tight hug. “I love you.” He said holing me tighter. Tears filled in my eyes again and he gave me a disgusted look. I smiled and said, “What more does a sex worker need than a person who loves her unconditionally.” He hit my face lightly, “You are going to be my wife and that is what the world is going to denote you with.” He put his finger over my lips and kissed them. He again kissed my forehead and left. I watched as he closed the door and then gazed at the window. The sun seemed like glowing brighter and tonight the moon was going to be fuller than ever.

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Straight from the Diary #1

Hello folk. Today Ms.TG’s got some words from her desk for all the confused souls. So now… Let’s talk (even though I’m the only one doing that :P)

Recently I’ve been going through a lot of trauma. People have shown me faces which I wouldn’t dare to know about. Second year is up and I have this whole bunch of stories to talk about.

I turned into a guardian, a good friend, a person to lend shoulder in need, a leader, a lover, a cheater, and what not. I went through a lot of phases this year and life thought me how to handle all. I’m not any saint nor have I acquired any spiritual guidance. I just feel like talking good (minus kind words) today.

Throughout the course of your life, you will meet people- strange, weird, psychopaths, stubborn, sweet, and all other kinds. This process is gonna continue until the same people lower you, down the ground, for you to return where you belong. The thing you need to learn is the way you treat them and get treated by them- both lie in your hand.

No matter how hard you try or how well you play safe, they are gonna knock you down. After all that is the reason of their existence. They came into your life, so that god could complete his syllables on time.

Love: A feeling which each and every person living up to an average age of 16 (or even lesser) experiences wherein he completely losses all of his senses and makes mistakes which either haunt him or become the reason for his buddies to laugh along. There is no running. You have to have this feeling eat you up at least once.

You can’t really be sure if it’s actually love that you are feeling. There are other feelings called attraction, infatuation, lust, attachment, desire, compassion, etcetera which shows up disguised as the so-called Love.

The essence lies in enjoying this feeling and not letting it over rule you. You are allowed to deal with it only from afar. Once you get into the core, you would not know what it’s being out of it.  We have heard poets and artists speak about Love and most of them have referred to it as a beautiful pit wherein you fall and feel all good but sooner do you realize that you can never see the world in the same light as before.

I would like to quote one of the lines that I recently came across on Insta. It said:

“Be in Love and don’t fall into it; coz everything that falls, breaks.”

Keeping this in mind, let’s not fall into the beautiful pit but make the world you are living in, a beautiful place.

New start, old hope.

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