Random Thoughts #4

As time leaps and I grow older each day, the thought of monotheism becomes intense. The thought of living like a hermit except that you leave out the people and not your dreams. Like a nomad- who does what he does wants to.

I’ve been realizing that happiness is so difficult to come by when you are surrounded by negative energy. Worst part, you ask? That is when this energy is from the people you live with. These aren’t just people, they are the doors which I need to push open to get to my dreams. Difficulty level increases because the door has been closed for years and I do not possess any sort of oil or grease to loosen the grip. Well, I cannot even find the keyhole, let alone the key. So, you see, no point.

I need to find another way or probably a hole in the wall perfect enough for me to cross the line.

Reality?

It’s so difficult to just get out of the house and my mind wanders places. With every passing day, the world news worsens and so does the life of a girl. I really thought that those typical Indian women exaggerated about living life in a nutshell. I thought they said so because they didn’t have the courage to follow their dream and break the gate.

But now, the sky seems clearer. I’ve got courage, passion for my dreams, fire burning inside and almost everything that a woman might require to survive in this world alone. But still…

I see what the problem is now; They never ask you; they never let you; they never ever are going to understand you. Most fucked up part of the story is that you ‘need’ them to let you be. Their permission and approval is going to decide a future that you must cope with.

It’s not that I don’t care for my family. I do value them and I don’t hate them. It’s just that the box I’m living in has run out of oxygen and I’ve started developing claustrophobia. Why is it so difficult for them to understand that, which is made of them.?

#StyZie

Random Thoughts #3

Looking back at all that I’ve done and tried doing, there only seem to be two things that I’ve been consistent at. These two habits, irrespective of the place I moved to and the emotions I went through remained the same. The habits in fact are two games and the only two games that haven’t left my interest ever since I started playing those. The first is Solitaire and the second Sudoku.

Now that I think about it, they have lessons to teach too. Today as I was slashing through the cards, winning and sometimes getting the dialog box saying ‘No More Moves’; giving up then and at times pressing Ctrl+z, a thought came to my mind. It is not just a game where you stack the cards and order them to get rid of them, it tells us not to give up. There is always a way to win it and it does not have to be the same path. Even if you miss two-three matches that had to be done in a pass, there are always ways to make it up to it later. Even if you run out of moves, you can undo your doing and move a card back. Of course, we do not have such privilege in real life as this game that we are on, is time based which, showing off its stubborn attitude doesn’t wait for anything or anybody. But I still feel, there are ways, ways in which you can make up to what went wrong. Because if we try, we might fail again, but if we don’t, the statistics just won’t change.

Contrasting to this one, is Sudoku. It just has a single way of solving it. I guess it tells us about some places where only that one thing needs to be done to get the puzzle right. Excluding time, it might mean to just put the right number in and you are done. The trick is to not give up and be on it, to bear it, to not lose interest, to strive for the complete picture. My father was the one who taught me how to work it out. And to this date, whenever I see the block, it reminds me of him. At present, there is stuff between us, that probably cannot be sorted any time soon, because there is no problem which needs solution, there is just vacuum. I’ll have to figure this 5-star rated block. I hope there’s still time left. Writing this makes me emotional; thinking about the time when I first solved the block and was so happy when I beat an elder cousin at it. I was proud of it. I used to have this thought whenever I ended up being sad, ‘Don’t worry, He is there. He is with you, no matter what.’ It used to relieve me of all doubts. This one line gave me peace. Life’s changed… Even so, I’m happy that Sudoku still remains with me and it will always remain reminding me of my roots.

Yet again it is the ‘things’ that bring you back on the right track. And still people say not to be materialistic. Sometimes you just have to and need to value that sheet of paper more than the person who gave it to you. Because the person might have left while the emotion still lives within the dead tree making you think for once, that life… life is not as bad as it is made to seem.

P.S: It is 1:00 in the night and there is no internet connection. I am listening to Korean songs. No, I don’t understand the language, of course except some words (thanks to all the dramas). But I feel as though the emotions are similar. The tune somehow tells me what might the song be about. Maybe that’s the beauty of music. No matter the language, it is bound to make you feel. It is all about the right notes and the right rhythm.

#StyZie

Random Thoughts #2 ~Keep Shining~

Weird how our feelings work. People closest to us make us sad and the people who are unaware of our existence turnout to be the soothers. One such thing is currently gracing the path I’m walking on.

Recently, I had been going through lot of emotional torture. Something I cannot explain to the people who caused it. Some who understand me and can share the pain are unaware of all this because I don’t know how to explain it to them either. For all those I’d like to say, do not worry, I’m doing all fine now.

I was so sad, I didn’t come out of my room for quite a time. For that time, I tried cheering myself up. I failed. But then I came across a drama called ‘Coffee prince’. There is this actor who plays the lead, Gong Yoo. I simply watched the drama because it was on my list since a long time (being a KDrama fan makes you have an endless list). But when I saw that person smiling, I, somewhat, forgot stuff that had been bothering me. I cannot really explain what this feeling is exactly. But I know one thing for sure that I am at peace now.

Also, something I thought would never happen, happened. I am not a big fan of kids (my friends know this quite well :P) but those tiny little bugs really helped too. A variety show by the name ‘Return of Superman’ made me want to look at life brightly. It is about Fathers staying with their kids for 2 days straight without their wives to help them. It’s fun really. For all the lost souls, I’d surely recommend this show.

So why am I writing all this suddenly? Well, I am all cheer now. Currently listening to songs from the drama ‘Goblin’ which also has Gong Yoo in it :P I’m officially in  the fan club now. This one has the best set of OST any Korean drama has ever had. Of course, ‘Descendants of the sun’ and ‘Secret Garden’ and ‘Legend of the blue sea’ and ‘Only you’ by Siwon were amazing too. But there is a sense of peace and calmness in every track.

For people who are sad right now, I’d just like to say to hang on. Like the old saying goes, ‘There is no rainbow without the rain.’ You never know how God has decided to cheer you up so don’t give up. Keep shining:)

#StyZie 

Stereotypes and Us.

Bell rang and the class was done. I arranged the books, took my bag and left the class only after all the students had moved out. Teaching wasn’t my passion, but it made me remember the old days I had with him. I never wanted to end studying. I didn’t want those moments to ever pass away. Those moments cannot be to the least compared to anything that later came through my life.

Opening my lunch box, I saw one of my student, Amish. He seemed sad, so, I approached him.

Me: Hello.

Amish: Hello ma’am.

Me: Had food?

Amish: Not in the mood.

Me: Is everything alright?

He looked at me and said, ‘Can I ask you few questions?’ I took a seat and asked him to continue. ‘Ma’am, why can’t a boy marry a girl elder than him, while she can marry a boy elder than her?’ He looked at me for an answer. After giving it a thought, ‘A girl ages faster than a boy. So, it is done that way.’

Amish: But it is nowhere said that a boy must marry a girl younger than him.

Me: Hmmm...

Amish: Then why don’t people understand? Why doesn’t the society understand? When a girl says no, why can’t they understand? Instead use the word ‘characterless’ for her? Is it forbidden to fall in love?

Me: May be the next generation will understand these situations.

Amish: So, you mean till then our generation must compromise or suffer?

I was speechless as to how could I tell him what might be the possibilities that can happen next. I saw him walking out outraged. I sat there silently.

At the end of the day, I called my husband to pick me up. As he answered the call, I heard Arzan blabbing and I guessed that he might be going out with his second wife; whom he married after watching me grow old quickly as I was elder than him.

Him: Yeah Meshal, Najma wanted to go to the mall for shopping, so I am taking her out. Hire a taxi to come home, don’t come in bus. Okay, I will call you later, I am driving, bye.

And he hung up. I didn’t want to distract my mind because I had to catch a bus and then prepare food for dinner.

On reaching home, Samiha opened the door.

Samiha: Where is your husband?

Me: He is your dad, Samiha.

Samiha: Who doesn’t respect my mother. He went for shopping again, right? She distracts him and he gets distracted, while you sit waiting for him.

Me: It’s useless to argue with you.

I went to the kitchen to prepare food for dinner but saw that Samiha has already chopped vegetables for me. How beautiful it is to see your daughter doing the household work but also sad to see that she will have to leave the house soon.

It was 10 at night when they all arrived with big bags. I hope he remembered our daughter too while buying things. But may be his mind was too busy collecting things. I set the table and called everyone to have food including Samiha who was in no mood to eat with them. I stayed back as usual to have it at last.

Him: Najma, did you prepare this curry?

Before Najma could boast, Samiha interrupted.

Samiha: If only aunt could get time from her contouring, she would have entered the kitchen.

Him: She is your mother.

Samiha: Yeah, the one who prepared the food.

I indicated her to sit quiet but she lacked controlling her anger. Obviously, a daughter cannot see her mother in pain.

Samiha: By the way, aunt will cook for you soon, as I got a job and they are providing me an apartment too. I will be shifting there with my mother.

Him: I better fix you with your cousin sooner.

Samiha: Yeah, who too will not be able to control his heart and marry another woman? No Thank you, I am fine by myself.

And finally, the war ended. How many times will I have to tell her to respect him or sit quiet if she can’t talk something sweet, but she never listens to me and all I could see is, him going more far from me.

At midnight, when I was done with all the chores, I started to prepare for tomorrow’s class. Hearing voices outside; I opened the door and went out to see. A new family had moved in. I went to offer some help introducing myself that I lived in the floor above them. They seemed nice, full of fun. While working, the lady talked to me about her family and asked about mine.

Lady: How many kids you have?

Me: One; girl.

Lady: I saw a boy coming out early this morning.

Me: He is my husband’s second wife’s son.

Lady: Oh.

I gave a slight smile responding to hers.

Lady: Why did he marry again? It’s okay if you don’t want to answer.

I simply lied to her, telling that he needed a boy. She seemed satisfied with the answer.

Lady: Arrange marriage?

Me: No

Lady: Ours too is not arranged, I used to reject all the proposals, break pots and all. Finally, when there were no proposals coming for me my parents let me marry him. My family was against us because we were breaking the community rules.

She laughed saying that.

Me: What rules?

Lady: I am elder to him by 5 years, so everyone was like filling my mind.

Hearing that calmed my heart. Not all marriages end this way. Going to our apartment I saw Samiha. She might have overheard everything.

Samiha: Why didn’t you say that you became old fashioned for your husband?

None of her taunt mattered that time.

Samiha: Why are you smiling?

Me: One of my student was upset today, having the same situation, rising the same question which I raised once. He was asking “Why can’t a boy marry a girl elder than him?”

Samiha: You would have narrated your beautiful story.

Me: I would but I think it is not applicable for everyone. Some people do live happily.

-me$hal-