A dark room. Gloomy clouds. Negative
environment. Seems like the happiness from around the world is lost. Everyone’s
sad; no source of smile. Hatred has filled the entire sky. We are lost in the
middle of nowhere. Yesterday, I smiled as my child spoke for the first time.
She called out ‘ma’. She could just bring her lips together and somehow managed
to produce the sound. I cannot explain how it felt that very moment. It was as
if I was granted heaven. Tears rolled down due to the inability to control the pleasure.
Tears are still in there, gushing out with pressure. The only difference is in
the depth of emotions. It is the complete reciprocal.
I do not know why this happened. What was
that I missed in myself? Was I not good enough? The person who kissed me
yesterday morning on my lips and shoulders and forehead is now standing at a
distance without a pinch of feeling in his eyes. No! I can sense in some
feelings. And it is nothing close to love.
My daughter is trying to get out of my arms
and hug her dad. She does that every time she sees him coming. I sometimes feel
jealous when she does that. It seems like I am important but he is more. He
loved her more than his life. He sacrifices his sleep every night, only because
she needs constant care; only because she needs to be fed in the middle of the
night. I know this is weird, but our daughter is one of a kind.
Now, this very moment he is standing right in
front of me, but is still miles apart. How does it feel to know that a person
you loved was never really that person? How does it feel to know that the
person you thought loved you, doesn’t care anymore? I’m exactly feeling the
same thing.
Five years of marriage and he hasn’t got a
single drop of emotion for me. Hate? Did I really deserve that? After having
left my family only for his sake, how does he expect me to forget him? So many
questions and no clue about the answer.
Karma… they say it right; it never goes off…
Someday, somewhere, you are going to feel the same way you made somebody else
feel. You are going to get hurt in the same manner. The cycle of life doesn’t
stop looping unless you die. And sometimes haunts you even after death. This is
one such truth which shattered my life into pieces tinier that the sand and
edgier than the crystal.
When it hits you, you do not know your
mistake. The fate always turns upside down in the most unexpected period. His
brother loved me, but I never felt so. I couldn’t get in the emotions the way
he got it for me. We were never meant to be and so our paths never crossed. I
left the decision on destiny and today it slapped right on my face with great
force unable to bear.
I loved my daughter’s father not because he
was a good person or because he gave me all the happiness. I loved him, because
I loved him and there is no reason. The way we met, the way feelings arose for
him, the way he made me feel was all so perfect. And it was all planned… just
to make me realize the same pain his brother sensed.
Even though he said all that and trashed my
soul, I still looked into his eyes, in hope of finding some love. The same love
that I saw yesterday, and that day and on the day of our wedding. But to my
dismay, that was the worst try. I couldn’t even search for some pity in through
his eyes. Not even when I shed a river of salted water.
I am going to die every day. Remembering him,
his love, his care… I’m going to miss that jealousy when my daughter would want
to hug her father. I’m going to miss his early morning kiss; and his late night
hug; his calls, his messages, which showed his infinite love.
Throughout my life, I doubted every single
happiness that came through. I was too scared to be in love. But when he came…
He took all the pain and fear. He filled the spaces inside my heart. I cannot
believe I trusted a man who broke every bit of me. I hate myself for not hating
him even now.
I do not know if this is the end of our
story. But for me, our relationship would always be the purest; the one, which
came out straight through the soul.
