Stagnant

If I think about it, there are a lot of people around me who don’t have it right. They never have. Others think they never will. People who have been wronged their entire life. And some who were respected and treated well only until they had the authority.

I feel pity. A sort of unpleasant feeling towards them. I want to tell people that they don’t deserve to be treated that way. That they are at this point in their lives because of something they never intended to happen. It is not their fault. You could also be at that position. Sometime later in your life, you could be the one treated that way. But I do not have the courage. I never have. I don’t even have the courage to change my own fate.

I feel suffocated. I feel like this room is going to run out of oxygen soon leaving me hopeless and weak. The little strength that I have left will be gone. The need to shout will be gone. The need to breathe in and out will be a heavy obligation. Can I keep on going like this? Can I? Do I need to? Do I have to? Is it written this way only? Is there no way out of this misery? Is my voice always going to be muffled and stiff?

I don’t want to live this way. This is not the life I intended to have. This, suffocating, stationary, un-moving life - I do not want this. How difficult is it to take the reins into my hands? Have I even tried to? No. Why am I such a disgrace to my own self? Forget standing up for someone else, I cannot even stand up for myself. I feel sorry for the wasted days. For all the time, the precious time that I spend idling away like a dead person unable to alter his deeds.

I feel sorry for all those people, possibly because of the reason, that I am one among them. Pitiful. Estranged. Alone. The only difference is that I am the one who’s treating me in a pitiful way rather than others. I am the one who is responsible for all the things going wrong. It is, my fault. Because I could change it, but I am not. For no reason at all. I gave up without trying and instead of accepting that, I gave an excuse. A stupid excuse. I did realize this though, that the excuse was more to myself than for anyone else. ‘It was not possible then.’ How would I have known without even trying? I didn’t have the courage then nor do I have it now. I am a cool person only in my imaginations. In reality, I am a lowly human being who has never said what she really wanted to. Only pretended. Only faked it. I am the one I despise the most. Hwayangyeonhwa (Translation: The most beautiful moment of my life). I know what mine is, but I do not have the courage nor the determination to achieve it. I know the route to my passion, to self-sufficiency; but I will never achieve it. Because I am lacking. In every aspect. In every way.

That human being that I pity; at least he is trying. At least he is moving. At least he is doing something instead of standing there letting people mock him. I thought we were similar and on the same page of our lives. But we are not. He is far ahead. And I? I am stagnant.

P.S: A fact - The word that I despise and hate the most is 'Stagnant'. Ironic that I am the word now.

#TG