Stagnant

If I think about it, there are a lot of people around me who don’t have it right. They never have. Others think they never will. People who have been wronged their entire life. And some who were respected and treated well only until they had the authority.

I feel pity. A sort of unpleasant feeling towards them. I want to tell people that they don’t deserve to be treated that way. That they are at this point in their lives because of something they never intended to happen. It is not their fault. You could also be at that position. Sometime later in your life, you could be the one treated that way. But I do not have the courage. I never have. I don’t even have the courage to change my own fate.

I feel suffocated. I feel like this room is going to run out of oxygen soon leaving me hopeless and weak. The little strength that I have left will be gone. The need to shout will be gone. The need to breathe in and out will be a heavy obligation. Can I keep on going like this? Can I? Do I need to? Do I have to? Is it written this way only? Is there no way out of this misery? Is my voice always going to be muffled and stiff?

I don’t want to live this way. This is not the life I intended to have. This, suffocating, stationary, un-moving life - I do not want this. How difficult is it to take the reins into my hands? Have I even tried to? No. Why am I such a disgrace to my own self? Forget standing up for someone else, I cannot even stand up for myself. I feel sorry for the wasted days. For all the time, the precious time that I spend idling away like a dead person unable to alter his deeds.

I feel sorry for all those people, possibly because of the reason, that I am one among them. Pitiful. Estranged. Alone. The only difference is that I am the one who’s treating me in a pitiful way rather than others. I am the one who is responsible for all the things going wrong. It is, my fault. Because I could change it, but I am not. For no reason at all. I gave up without trying and instead of accepting that, I gave an excuse. A stupid excuse. I did realize this though, that the excuse was more to myself than for anyone else. ‘It was not possible then.’ How would I have known without even trying? I didn’t have the courage then nor do I have it now. I am a cool person only in my imaginations. In reality, I am a lowly human being who has never said what she really wanted to. Only pretended. Only faked it. I am the one I despise the most. Hwayangyeonhwa (Translation: The most beautiful moment of my life). I know what mine is, but I do not have the courage nor the determination to achieve it. I know the route to my passion, to self-sufficiency; but I will never achieve it. Because I am lacking. In every aspect. In every way.

That human being that I pity; at least he is trying. At least he is moving. At least he is doing something instead of standing there letting people mock him. I thought we were similar and on the same page of our lives. But we are not. He is far ahead. And I? I am stagnant.

P.S: A fact - The word that I despise and hate the most is 'Stagnant'. Ironic that I am the word now.

#TG

Random Thoughts #7

Every time I start watching ‘Happy Together Special with Big Bang”, I stop it right after few minutes into the video. It still shows up on my recommendations. Today, I stopped because I wanted to write this. Because I was reminded of an old friend, who no longer is a friend I guess. I don’t know really. Am I overthinking? Am I making up stories so that I could write about it? I am selfish that way, so I can’t really say what it is this time.

I am listening to ‘Writing our Stories’ by SG Wannabe. It’s on loop (gorgeous song it is, you’ve got to check it out) (But of course it is Korean). The lyrics are not so much considered as much as the tone of the music. It sure feels good that I am writing after this long. But I am having a conflict as the reason is not a happy one. This makes me think if I am one of those who use pain and sadness only to fulfill this desire of writing artistic lines. Even though I debate that there are happy writers out there, I can’t quite stand true to my own words. Are we all slaves to this desire of creating art? Are we really that pathetic?

Sometimes I think if I willingly pull myself into a place where I hurt both me and the other person. Family? friends? Maybe its just me creating the problems and not them. Could it be that the ‘aspiring’ writer gets heavy on this innocent child? I think about this a lot. It might not be the issue. It might just be another thesis to overthink about.

Who are we in the end? Are we the moment which tells us to do something evil as no one is watching? Or are we the tears falling alone after reading a story of a person we have never met? Are we the dark or the light? Do we get to choose? Or does the intensity chooses us? What are we in the end? Or are we the end?

Whatever it is. It feels great to see the black letters on the white background. Aesthetic much? Yeah 😊 And, even though I am not cut out to dance, it is a blessing that my fingers play the part on the keyboard, once in a while. I guess I know how Baek In Ho feels in ‘Cheese in the trap’. *about to cry just thinking about it* The will to touch the piano again was devastated by that one incident. It was not that he would never do it. It was just that he had lost the confidence to be near the keys. But this blessing, this pure blessing, if taken away in any form will leave a person devastated. The people with a gift are the most scared and insecure ones. Not because they are afraid of losing it, but because they are afraid of the thought of living without the one thing that is good in their lives. Because when you gain, you lose. A plus point in one department is often compensated by a hundred negatives in a lot of other departments.

‘Writing our Stories’ is still playing in the background. I am not sure how many times did it play already. I at least feel alive, thanks to the song and the finger dance. I wanted to write about a friend but in the end, I mumbled philosophy and forgot about the it all together.

P.S: I am going to post all the stacked-up word files in my laptop. There’s not much space in the hard drive. I don’t know if I will be able to delete the original files after posting them online. I have a strong attachment to things. It is difficult for me to let go. Even though I know it will be up on the cloud if I post it on the Internet, I still would want to keep the filed loaded up. I guess it’s the feeling of seeing all the word files in a folder that makes me week. Anyway, I had decided this long ago but I am only implementing it now.

#TG

If I could write a poem

If I could write a poem,
I'd write about your lips which form the most blessed smile of all,
I'd write about your almond-shaped eyes which sparkle every time I see them,
I'd write about the flickering strands of hair on your forehead,
I'd write about that seductive deep husky voice of yours,
I'd write about the countless emotions I felt inside when you said u liked me,
I'd write about the smile on both our faces when our eyes met,
I'd write about your strong, lustrous arms when they wrapped around me to cuddle,
I'd write about the level of excitement when you said 'I do' at the alter.

I'd write about all the times we lied at our workplace to get an extra day for the weekend trips,

I'd write about our passionate video game sessions and the weird punishments for the loser,

I'd write about the burnt vessels after an intense cooking competition,

I'd write about our little artistic corner in the living room,
I'd write about the tears that rolled down my cheek when you were lowered into the ground.
I'd write about how I missed the sound of your words,
I'd write about the emptiness in our house,
I'd write about the unread pages of the books you brought,
I'd write about the countless nights I spent thinking of you, looking at the stars.
I'd write about how much I loved you when we were together and even now when you are gone.

~Romance~

Romantic things don’t have much meaning if it does not happen with the right person. For example, the over-cliched scene where you are walking on the corridor looking out the window and suddenly, you trip and fall into the arms of a man. It would forever be etched in your memory because it is not something that happens every day; but it won’t be romantic. When you are seated in the passenger’s seat and the car suddenly comes to a halt or encounters a hump; the person sitting in the driver’s seat straightens his hand out to block you from getting hurt. At that moment if you are travelling with just a friend or someone who is not ‘The guy’, your heart won’t flutter, and you won’t look at him. You will only be grateful that they care for you and look out, to enjoy the rest of the journey. There might also be a moment when you hug him while crying. It would simply make you feel at ease as you were able to share that pain with another human. Even though this scene is repeatedly shown as ‘romantic and Lovely’ in the dramas and the movies, it simply won’t have the same meaning because it was not meant to be that way. Kiss on the forehead or lips or cheek don’t mean what they say they do on internet forums. All this, if it is not with that one person who makes you excited for no reason, has a different meaning than the norms.

That person is not the one you have these co-incidents with. He is not the one who texts you if you are doing well, once every week. He is not the one who agrees to all your plans and helps you strike off the items on your bucket list. It just does not work that way.

It is not necessary that you have fairy tale like experiences when you are with him. Don’t miss on him if he does not ask you out in the critically acclaimed beautiful way. In a starry night or beside a camp fire, holding a ring or flying all the way especially for your birthday. Considering these scenarios as a sign from god or the heavens is not something that should be done. Just trust your heart. If you heart does not race when he looks at you, then ladies, he is not the right one. There was a reason why our heart and brain are wired differently. There was a reason why the two always end up in a conflict. Everything is inside of you. You need not look for approval. Just trust your instincts and go for it. There is a reason why all the stories are different even though it is the same old love.

P.S : I am currently watching a Korean drama called ‘The Producers’. I was watching episode 9 and there is a scene where Kim Soo Hyun makes sure that that Gong Hyo Jin is not hurt while driving just like the scene I mentioned earlier. Though, it does look like they are a couple in the drama, I just wondered, what if, they were not. What if it was a scene with the main actor and the second lead actress? They won’t end up together because they are not meant to be. But if the second lead actress thinks that this is all god’s doing and a way of showing her that he is the ‘one’, she would only end up crying at the end of the drama. We might not even know if she gets to meet her match or not. Just like it does every time. 

#TG 09-03-2018 11:45PM

Imagination #23 ~Siblings~

09:00PM

She sneaked out of her house trusting her sister to cover up behind her. “Strict parents tend to create world’s best liars”, We have heard and read this so many times. These two were the ideal specimens for the line. She had a dramatic escape. No, she did not climb down the vine beside her window. She lay past her lovable dog from the front door, who had a habit of kissing her all over the face, even when he was tired. It was a miracle he did not wake up, when her scent passed by him. To be honest, she was a little disappointed. But saved it for another day; she had to get to his house that night, which could turn into something memorable for her to count for the time to come. Her sister continued keeping an eye on their parent’s bedroom until she was out and ‘safe’ in the street. The escape lasted 38 minutes. She was obviously pissed, but thinking about her sister made her blush. Beautiful moments awaited her…

07:00AM
She eagerly waited for her sister to come back home. With a tinge of nervousness that her parents might wake up and ask for her and with the excitement of asking her sister about everything that happened last night, she was standing near their parent’s bedroom door guarding it like a keeper. She was finally relieved when she saw her sister hoping like a little girl from the window. She unlatched the door and shushed her sister who was opening her mouth with big round eyes, probably too excited to narrate the story about “the night”. They tip-toed to their bedroom and she threw herself on the bed. “So, what happened?”, she could not contain her curiosity. “You won’t believe what happened!” she said remembering all the fun she had last night. “What? What? Tell me!”, she pulled her back to the present. “We watched Baby looney tunes, the entire night! You won’t believe, he has all the DVDs!! And then we had chicken wings with coke! Oh, it was the best night ever! I never imagined him to surprise me with something like this.”, she said with eyes full of happiness and heart full of love for him. Her sister stood up, “WHAT!! I guarded like an effin’ dog, just so that you could watch a cartoon with your boy friend??? Are you serious?”, She shouted. “I know right. Honestly, it was a turn down at first, when he made me sit in front of the TV to watch the show, but I swear, I got so interested in it, I forgot why I was there in the first place. It was like revisiting our childhood again and he made that possible. I love him more now.”, she said and blushed. Her sister calmed down looking at her. It was not totally a waste though. She just said, “All right, I will let you go this once.” And hugged her sister. She sat beside her and continued, “By the way, can I borrow the DVDs from my possible would-be-brother-in-law?” Her sister blushed again and said a squirmy “yes” from behind the pillow.

#TG
P.S: Of course, it could have been better if my vocabulary was a bit vast.

Shall we?

This is the first time, I fell for someone like you.
My friends don't understand this jump that I've made from the cliff,
but that doesn't matter. You are nothing like I had imagined but still
you have every quality that strikes the lines off my list.
At times I wonder, if this was meant to be or are we just another fling.

You're a flirt, they say.
Someone who had a past with a lot of 'ladies'.
Someone who made 'em cry and I hear that a lot.
From people who hate you and from people who think you're handsome as well.
I do not yet have the courage to ask you this ever though we have shared moments. Moments which carry meaning deeper than you'd expect.
I wonder if you feel the same.

But you should know that this is the first time I've fallen for someone like you.
Someone who everyone talks bad about.
Why do they not see, what I saw in you when you made me laugh?
When I defend you, they say that's your charm.
They say that's how you did it before.
They wouldn't know, would they?
They are only jealous. I know they are. It can't be... can it?

These people keep talking negative about you,
Should I listen to them?
They do not know that after every joke you crack on me
you hold my hand in secret just to ask “That didn’t feel bad, did it”
“No, it didn’t. But don’t do it again” I say.
“Sure” you blab and do the same thing over and over again
They do not know how homely that feels.

Is it okay to be so positive about someone?
Maybe this is what crushes are like
They make you feel as though they can do no wrong
Without a flaw… Oh no no no, wait, there’s something
I really do hate it when you boss me around
I know you’re older than me but do you even realize
you sound like an aunty at times, who nags her niece and nephews
when they try to have fun??

All right, I know you don’t drink and don’t smoke as much as others do
But you know that thing that you keep chewing all the time
You do understand that it affects you the same way the other things do right?
Just quit it already!
See, not really un-flawed, but yet... yet…

Thinking about it again, there is not everything about you that I like.
Some things make me question myself… why did I fall for this man?
Why did we get this close? Why did we share those moments?
Recalling how all of this started, I cannot seem to find the exact point
It was all so natural. There was no sudden click and bamm!
‘We found love’ or ‘Love at first sight’ types. The flow just went on naturally.
We came close and closer, in a short span of time,
But a meaningful span of life

The others may say what they say
I would like to believe that either they hate you because
they cannot be like you or cannot be with you
Coz if they could be you, they’d know how beautiful you are from the inside
And if they could be with you, they’d know how lovable you could have made them feel

Of course, only God knows what will happen to us
The odds of us getting together are lesser than Jack sparrow getting another movie for the series and even lesser than ‘log kya kahenge?’ dying out of India.
Nevertheless, I would like to keep this feeling in my heart for this tick of the clock and for the next one. I might fall in harder and get this tiny lil’ heart broken.
But who cares, let’s just cry together when the time comes. Shall we?

#TG 

What is more important?

Here I am, finally, intruding the ‘writer’s block’. Writing about how far I’ve come from where I left last. I was in college enjoying, chilling with people I thought I would never be departed from. The ones I thought will stay forever. “We will work at the same company” “We will stay in the same apartment and go on short trips to hills and beaches” and much more. Even then we knew that none of that was going to happen. We still said that just so that we could remember those moments and smile. Just to create memories. Just to relive those through the roads in our minds. We had different dreams, we knew right from the start that we were going to be apart in the end. Still…
Where is life standing now? Are you happy the way it is? I get asked this question a lot. Honestly, I do not know how to answer. I don’t even know what to answer when people ask me “What do you keep writing in that book of yours?” How will I answer about life when I am not sure what goes on in my own mind? Too philosophical isn’t it? I know, I tend to wander while I write. I don’t think I’ll ever rectify this habit.
Anyway, let us talk about facts. I have acquired a job. A job which is no where related to the degree that I carry. Yes, my family is upset about this. My uncles have already passed me down their “much-sought-advice” on how wrong I am in leading my life. “this is the start of your career, do not spoil it” “this work is not worth it” “Helping your mom in house-hold work is better than this” “It will not make people respect you” STOP!

I know it is sad when your family is upset because of you. But it is even sadder when you family does not care enough to listen to you. To sit down with you and just listen. Listen to your dreams. Read your stories and understand what it means. Listen to what made you write those. Listen to how they inspired you. I get this question often “How and when did you start writing?” The answer will always be “I am not sure, since childhood, I guess” Now that I think to it, I know exactly how this started. My dad brought me diaries and books; my mom made me write letters to him. To write in those letters about what I wanted when he returned to us, about how I was doing, about just anything. Slowly, I realised I was not just doing that for her sake, I was doing it because I liked it. I realised this even slowly, that writing, was in fact my passion. I asked myself this question, “Can something be so important in your life, that you would be ready to give up your time with your family and just leave, without regret?” Yes, there is. And I mean it. This might sound harsh, but I think I can never be able to stop writing, but I will at a point be able to live without them. Materialistic. Maybe.

This job that I am at. Customer service in as company big as this with a low pay. I know I might not be able to reach the point where in I could achieve my dream, but at this moment. This very moment. I am writing. I am close to my love – typing letters on those pretty black keyboards. Helping people with words. It is a simple job. I am only doing what others are doing. But, the fact that I type every day, whatever it maybe, holds lot more meaning to me, than just being another advisor in customer service. I am practically living my dream. Kind of. I would say.

I live alone, yes, I know with three other girls in the same room, but still alone. I don’t yet prepare my food, but I am filling my stomach with my own money. I go back to my room, whenever I feel like. I write and read late at night or early in the morning. I sleep at what times suits best for me (just saying, the command centre decides this, not me :P). I go to places carrying a bag-pack and click pictures of pretty things on the way. I am in command of my time. I may not be living an ideal life, but I am happy. Happy in this moment being surrounded by people who listen to my stories and do not judge me (yes, this is for you, glevi). Happy in this moment being able to fulfil some part of my dream. Happy in this moment while I smile and breathe. Happy that I am not being idle, that I am for a fact helping people with the little things. I have taken more than 300 chats in the last 2-3 months, and I can ‘confirm’ that I have properly helped at-least 50 of them (I know the stats don’t say so, but ache log kaha lete hai surveys :/). How many people have you helped in the entire year? So, laying this question out to everyone who think customer service makes people not respect you. What is more important? You, respecting yourself and knowing your worth or working to achieve approval from others by doing something against your wishes.

#TG 24/11/2017